The Velawesomeraptor Himself (clayrobeson) wrote,
The Velawesomeraptor Himself

Insomnia and the modern man...

The power is off, so I'm blogging from iZora.

Last night was filled with a wondrous bout of insomnia. Which, of course, sucks. However, I've found that the suck has an extra awesome bitter flavor when you know exactly why you can't fall asleep.

As I climbed into bed last night, I (as I am oft want to do) thought of my day, and then of the other things in my life that are on the horizon.

Some of you may have noticed my enthusiasm for the rapidly approaching Super Sekrit Project. Last night, Brain went over the two outcomes of said project. It goes awesome, people rave, and great things happen. Or, it gets done, is horrible, and gets panned. There are a myriad of permutations that fall in the spectrum between those two extremes, but I'm cool with that. What kicked in the insomnia was Brain's realization that there's a third extreme that I'd not thought about before.

What if no one notices?

Sure, y'all will notice, but... what if no one else does?

And that's how I ended up wide awake till after 4 this morning.

Cause, of course, once that thought hit, other more recent self doubts reared their heads and shouted "Oh, you KNOW I want in on THIS party!!" And then I spent alot of time staring into the dark imagining where the ceiling actually was while Brain and Self Doubt had this awesome sit down dinner party inside my head.

I didn't much like the main course, unfortunately.

I find myself closer to giving up the dream chasing recently. But I have to ask myself if I'm thinking this way as an excuse to not see this thing through. Because what if it DOES go well? What if it IS awesome?

How sad is it that I seem to prefer stagnation to the possibility of success?

One way or another, Super Sekrit Project will happen. And if it goes well, then I'll have to deal with that. If not, I'll deal with that, too. But if it just sort of lays there, and no one really gets it... not sure what I'm going to do then.

Oh well, I guess that's what we call "life" eh?

baggy eyed

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