October 14th, 2001

compton

Ye Olde Satyrdae Fundae

RenFaire... muey fun today. There are better Farie's than King Richards, but for being local it's enjoyable for a day of goofing off and people watching.

There are some folks there who definately need a lesson in "A hooded sweatshirt and sword do not a costume make". But then there's some serious eye candy. Of both flavors. Several people I could have just dragged home and covered in honey. Mmmmmmmmmmmm.

I think I'll have some plesant dreams.

me
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood.
I chose both.

-me
  • Current Music
    Echt - Vielleicht lieber morgen
compton

Couples fun... while not in a couple... dilema in the 1st degree

Went to the RenFaire with Mel last night, which was fun and TOTALLY not a couples thing to do. We're just friends, always will be, despite the mutual attraction. Our 'paths' lie elsewhere, and we both realize that.

But after Faire, we went out to dinner with Denise and Roger. Denise is an ex-coworker of ours, Roger is her husband (to be?). They showed us their new house, then we went to one of those Japanese Grill places in New Bedford (or should I say THE Japanese Grill place in New Bedford). It was a really fun night, but the entire time, it was a definate 'two couples going out and having a good time' feel. And even though Mel and I aren't a couple (and emphasezed this REPEATEDLY throughout the night) it was a comfortable feeling. Something I've not had in far far too long.

And while it was fun, I'm bummed that it went on so late that I missed Rich's party, cause apparently too much fun was to be had there.

Bah.

me
Where is love?
Does it fall from skies above?
Is it underneath the Willow tree that I've been dreaming of?

--Oliver Twist in Oliver!
  • Current Music
    Oliver! - Where is love? (in my head)
compton

My Sunday Night Mantra...

Suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck.

And no, I'm not talking about a night out with Tang, either, unfortunately.

Slowy but surely my brain is being eroded away, and with it my confidence in my own abilities. There's surely something wrong inside my head. I'm hoping it's just the need to get away from life for a few weeks. I'm hoping Nepal will take care of it.

I thought out everything that was wrong about tonight on the drive home from the asylum, and now it's all gone. ::poof:: from my head. So I'm going to have to try to reconstruct.

I got to the theatre slightly disheartened (see previous posts, I won't rehash that) but the theatre always makes me happy. As predicted, I started to get happy. I announced happily, "I *REALLY* need to sing tonight!" Then they brought out the lineup for the show. In the three 'musicle' pieces we do (two sketches, one improv) I'd been relegated to positions that didn't sing.

Well, that's not completely true, in one sketch I was rapping (the backup part) and in the other I was chorus. For the improv, I was hosting, not singing.

Now, mind you, the singing improv (called K-tel) is my safety blanket. It's the only thing I get consistantly complimented on, and if I'm not doing it I start to feel insecure. Top that off with the fact that I had *NO* other scheduled moments to shine other than my scheduled hosting bit and I started to freak. So much so that I bailed from my hosting bit.

For all intents and puproses for this show, I was one of the 'bit players' like on SNL. I stayed out of everything because each time I went on stage you could hear crickets.

I don't understand why I feel bad every time I put into-- mmm, new though, back to this.

And for our closing sketch, the one that I've never gotten to do in rehearsal, I got stuck into yet ANOTHER different slot. I'm the only one who hasn't gotten to rehearse the thing except ON STAGE, and I'm the only one who can now play all four male parts. Everyone else sits comfortably in their position while I'm left to freak out about doing something new for the first time after only getting to run it once. Why the fuck can't anyone else move? Why aren't the SCHEDULED to move? They keep getting put back into the same places every time, so much so that when they're in a show, it's EXPECTED that those are the spots they'll have.

I don't understand why I feel bad every time I'm scheduled in such a way that I don't have a guaranteed laugh part, or a 'solo' moment. I start thinking, 'well shit, maybe last time I did something wrong'. And then it's all down hill from there. I think I'm crazy. That, or a huge diva. ::sigh:: Probably the latter.

Tonight, during the show, I thought seriously about leaving the group. I'm not contributing positively to the show, and I'm not enjoying myself. Hell, one of the actors didn't even NOTICE I'd had a bad show tonight, cause I wasn't on stage all that much. He came out of the back complaining about his performance, and when

::Entry interrupted for phone call. TechnoCowboy and the rest of the West Coast contingent called to sing me a song "Whatever you eat comes out your butt". It's cute, but of course the cuteness just bounces off this cloak of moroseness I've got myself wrapped in. And I couldn't even bring myself to admit that it was a shitty show, for fear of loosing it while I was on the phone. No one needs to deal with me being psycho on the phone.::

Hell, one of the actors didn't even NOTICE I'd had a bad show tonight, cause I wasn't on stage all that much. He came out of the back complaining about his performance, and when I said, "Yours? What about mine?" he actually had to stop and think. I thought at first he was going to ask if I was even IN the show. Then he covered with "You were fine". Fine? I was barely *IN* the show. My best moment was a screaming Canadian Cross when they called horror in Jump Genre.

I don't know if writing all this down is making me feel better or not. I'm bouncing from angry to depressed and back. Heh, and all you fuckers thought Silas was the moody one? Guess again bitchez. It is I who am the miserible sot.

UMS - Ugly Mood Swings. Pretty much sums me up completely. Am I crazy? Or am I just burned out on life? If it's burn out, why is the one thing that saves me from my insanity not giving me any joy anymore? I'm so far in my head that I'm even second guessing my emotions.

The lure of alcohol and drugs to make me feel better is strong. Thank god I'm poor. :)

There are all these small things that are making me bummed. For some reason I can't separate them into the unrelated events that they are, and I only see them as one huge suckfilled life. I used to be able to analyze each one and work on each one to make them better... right now I feel overwhelmed, and too paralized by funk (and not the good kind) to take action against any single one of them. Maybe my meeting with Leah tomorrow will spur me on to start fixing the Improv one at least. Either she'll give me the boot or punch me in the head. Either option will resolve the issue... unless she makes it a non issue.

::sigh::

Hope this got all your Monday's off to a great start.

Love,
me
Don't give up, cause you have friends...
(Follow my own advice? Sheayh, right.)
  • Current Music
    Peter Gabriel, Sinead O'Connor & Sting - Don't Give Up (Live)