September 26th, 2003


Currently Clenched: Fists, Stomach, Future

The damned California Department of Real Estate is currently processing exam applications from AUGUST MOTHERFUCKING NINETEENTH. This means my application hasn't even been looked at yet. This means no test till The beginning of November at the earliest.

  • Current Music
    My own silent screams


I am a man, therefore I am responsible for all errors committed by all men

I am caucasian, therefore I am responsible for all wrongs done by 'whitey'

I come from a middle class family, therefore I am privileged (on one hand) but am contemptible because my parents work for a living (on the other hand)

I chose to move to the Bay Area, therefore I am gay

I enjoy foreign movies, therefore I am a snob

I was registered as a Republican, therefore I am a gun toating asshat

I am registered as a Democrat, therefore I am a bleeding heart liberal douchebag

I play tabletop roleplaying games, therefore I am a greasy virginal dork who wouldn't know a clitorus if one came up and bit me on the ass

I am single, therefore I am not good enough, apparently

I am Clay, and I think not

Fuck you to anyone who does.
  • Current Mood

Rabid and fragile...

Not working is really taking its toll on me.

I'm overly sensitive, easily irritated, and quick to jump down people's throats for things I would normaly count to ten before jumping about.

I get all weepy when certain songs are on.

I've been grinding my teeth alot.

I stubbed my toe tonight. Twice. It's turning a nice shade of black/purple.

I'm grumpy at my sister for no good reason. Well, okay, something here set me off that really shouldn't have, and I let that trickle over.

I actually would have punched that old lady the other day. I've only wanted to seriously physically harm one other person in my life, and that was after 6 months of constant harassment.

Many of my friends are unhappy / scared / needing the love, and I can't find that well of good thoughts that I usually have to tap into for them.

I'm feeling selfish, and I hate that.

I'm feeling like a burden on my parents, and I hate that even more.

Good thought time:

When we moved into this house, we spend the first night on the floor in the living room in sleeping bags. I *THINK* my dad may have lit a fire in the lava rock fireplace, but I'm not sure. Either way, I remember staring up at the ceiling. It's got that 'acoustic' pointy spackle on it, and at the time, it was dappled with gold glitter. I fell asleep staring at the shiney spots on the ceiling... I *MAY* have been twelve at the time. Maybe eleven.

Tonight, as I was lying on the couch with ice on my purple toe, I looked up and saw a glint of gold.

The ceiling has been painted over many many times, but apparently one fleck of glitter has survived. Tonight it winked at me, and for one brief moment I found myself the thoroughly enthralled eleven year old, excited to be somewhere new.

I wish I could be eleven again.

Twinkle, twinkle, little star...
  • Current Mood