October 26th, 2004

compton

eBay, destroyer of dreams...

I am a poor, unemployed photographer.  So imagine my delight when I saw a Canon EOS D20 Digital SLR Camera on eBay last night for $0.99.  That's right, $0.99!  Never before had a man come across such a wonderous deal on eBay! Of course I bid. I over bid the only other person to have bid by $99.01.  eBay smiled on me and told me "You are the High Bidder!" and I danced my way to bed, with dreams of a $1500 Canon EOS D20 Digital SLR Camera for $1400 below sticker price, giggling at all the fun I'd have taking pictures with it.

Now, I saw, understood and fully ignored the fact that there were still two and a half days left on the auction. I'm no eBay novice. She (for lack of a better pronoun) has been good to me in the past. Why not now? Why should there be a problem with the fact that there were still two and a half days left on the auction? I let myself become blind to the fact that the Canon EOS D20 Digital SLR Camera had not yet accepted my proposal.  Instead, I thought happy thoughts about how wonderful it would be if no one else saw the auction, and I actually won the Canon EOS D20 Digital SLR Camera for myself.  I thought about how the Canon EOS D20 Digital SLR Camera and I would be AWESOME friends, and how we'd make wondrous art together.  I pictured the Canon EOS D20 Digital SLR Camera and myself running through verdant fields under a Dodger Blue sky with white, fluffy clouds.  I thought about how the Canon EOS D20 Digital SLR Camera and I would travel to foreign lands and realize things with our eye that no one else could. I fantasized about Canon EOS D20 Digital SLR Camera and I becoming an unstoppable team of uber-creativity that would become an example for future ages. I stopped just short of imagining the children that the Canon EOS D20 Digital SLR Camera and I would have.

But as everyone knows-- eBay is a fickle mistress, and she leads one into false hopes. She traps one within their own dreams become nightmares.  For this morning, when I awoke, my Canon EOS D20 Digital SLR Camera had left me for someone who had $660.  I had been left for someone with a bigger open credit card balance than I had. I had been left for purely fiscal reasons.

I found myself alone in my fantasies.  The sky was really a smoggy grey, buildings crumbled and crashed at my feet, my household name became a household nothing-- and the giggles of unimagined human-camera hybrid children ceased abruptly, leaving behind a bitter, empty silence. And now I sit, in an unlit room, left with only the thoughts of what might have been...

Damn you eBay. From Hell's Heart I spit at thee.  With my last breath-- oh, who am I kidding?  Like I'd really have won anyway.  But still.  Would have been nice.  But for now, I'll be over here fantasizing about this awesome deal I found on some hard to get beer... there's only four days left on the auction!

me
Putting my pennies in a jar...
superior

Wherein our heroe does battle with the venomous beast...

It was a partly cloudy day in Sun City, when our heroe got it in his head that the couch needed to be moved and cleaned behind.

Said couch was up against the big non-sliding portion of a ginormous sliding glass door, which was draped in deep maroon curtains that hung to just brush the sandy carpet beneath.

The couch slid easily from it's usual resting place, and our heroe started to step behind it to commence with the cleaning.  His barefooted toes were squinching happily in the carpet when his mahogany brown eyes spotted a blemish on the perfect maroon drapery.

It was a black splotch in the shape of a spider... a spider with a red hourglass on its underside.  It's abdomen was no bigger than the tip of his pinky finger, but it's legs increased it's body size to greater than the end of his thumb.

Must not freak out. Must not freak out. That mantra kept our heroe sane as he bolted for the garage to grab the two different insect sprays that resided there.

Our heroe returned to the drapery of death and The Evil That Resided There was still where he'd left it... so using the element of surprise, he attacked with a double fisted smite of canned insect death.

The Evil twitched and writhed, but fought valiantly against the onslaught.  It fell back, but kept pulling itself back from the brink of death.

Chancing that The Evil would escape, our heroe ran to his den of repose and grabbed his Mallet of Spider Death That Was Also Good for Putting Nails in Walls to Hang Paintings.

His return to the maroon drapery was tentative.  Our heroe didn't dare hope that The Evil was still there, but he had to lest he lose all faith.

The Evil remained, twitching, and attempting to pull itself from the miasma of Bug Killing Potion it was mired in.

Our Heroe brought down the Mallet of Spider Death That Was Also Good for Putting Nails in Walls to Hang Paintings in one fell swoop and felt the body of The Evil splatter beneath it.

Then he did a little jig of "Oooh! Ick! Ooooh! Ick! Ick!" and vacuumed up it's shattered corpse.

me
The End