March 15th, 2006


The Waiter's Prayer

Our patrons, who art in this four star restaurant
Classy be it's name
Thy dinner comes
Thy wine is drunk
In glasses
That are big as your head.

Give us this day our decent tips
And forgive us our foibles
As we try to remember what's going on at 9 different tables simultaneously.
And leave us not with pocket change,
But deliver us some 15 to 20 percent.

For ours is the minimum wage, and the long hours on our feet, and no glory for ever and ever.


I know I've made this rant before, sorry to plague you with it again.  But every time I travel, I make sure that I buy a book on that country so I know what not to do.  I don't want to offend anyone's customs.  No patting on the head? Fine!  No eating with the left hand?  Fine!  No pointing with the foot, or showing the bottom of the shoe?  No problem!

They call us ugly Americans when we're abroad, but non-Americans can be just as ugly.

Three hours in my section.  They liked the wine I recommended so much they got TWO bottles.  Desert.  Three people. $283 bill.


I was at the restaurant for an hour and a half after we closed, 45 minutes of that time just waiting for them to stop talking and finish their second $77 bottle of wine (which I freakin decanted at the table for them).


You're here on business.  You're talking about Intel and Microsoft and Dell like you know all the major players.

And you leave me a fourteen dollar tip.

Here is my finger, lifted for you.


Edit... At lunch today, I had two women tip me $20 on a $49 check at the exact same table. I gave these three men the same quality of service.