Date: Wed, 17 Jun 1992 13:54 EDT DISCLAIMER: The following events are real. The names have been changed to protect the innocent (namely me) from being sued by Paramount or any subsidiarythereof. The following material is not copyrighted, and my be distributed at your desecration as long as no profit is made. NO ONE (my self included) can or will make money off this parody (what a shame). And so begins... TAR REK: He Ext Eneration "Esley Comes Home" (subtitled "Why we don't know...") CAST Captain Ean-Uc Icard Commander Illiam Iker Lt. Commander Ata Lt. Orf Counselor Eanna Roi Lt. Commander Eordi aForge Chief Iles 'Brian Ensign O Aran Doctor Everly Rusher Cadet Esley Rusher Uinan Ela Asha Ar TEASER FADE IN: EXT. USS NTERPRISE NCC 701-D The Nterprise is warping through space as it has in so many other episodes. INT. CADET ESLEY'S QUARTERS Esley and Counselor Roi are locked in a passionate embrace. She runs her fingers through his hair as he kisses her firmly on the lips. She moans. He moans. ESLEY Oh, Eanna, I've waited so long for this. ROI As have I Es. I've wanted you since the first day you walked on the ship. Take me! Esley begins to remove Roi's uniform when the communications chime is heard. ICKERS VOICE Cadet Rusher to the observation lounge. Esley looks up at the ceiling and blatantly ignores the command. He continues to remove Roi's clothes. ICKERS VOICE Cadet Rusher! Are you sleeping? Please report to the INT. ESLEY'S BEDROOM Esley sits bolt upright in bed. He is obviously alone. ICKERS VOICE (continued) ...observation lounge. ESLEY (to himself) Damn! (to ceiling) On my way Commander Iker. Esley gets out of bed wearing only a pair of boxer shorts with "StarFleet Academy" printed all over them (yes, they still do college marketing in the future). The front of the boxers are strangely "tented". Esley adjusts the "tent" and moves into another room (Obviously a closet since we know there are no bathrooms on the Nterprise). He emerges a few seconds later in full cadet uniform. The "tent" is gone, and he is wiping his hands with an old sock. He discards the sock and exits the room. INT. OBSERVATION LOUNGE Typical staff meeting. Icard is at the head of the table, Iker, Orf, Ata, Eordi, Roi (fully clothed), and Doctor Rusher are seated in their usual places (who ever has the most lines sits closest to the captain). They just hang out for a while until Esley enters and stands at attention. ESLEY Cadet Rusher reporting sir. ICARD At ease Cadet. Have a seat. Esley sits and waits for someone to speak. Eventually someone does. IKER I assume you know why we called you here. ESLEY (worried) No sir, I don't. ICARD Don't lie to us boy! Just tell us what you've done. Esley, remembering taking down the "tent" in his quarters, gets that "My God, do they know I do *that*." look on his face. IKER No, Es, not that- we all do that. (looking at Eordi) Some of us more than others. Eordi inconspicuously shoots Iker the finger when no one else is looking. ICARD Just tell us what you did. ESLEY (even more confused and a little embarrassed) I'm sorry, but I didn't do anything. ORF (sneering) Then why are you here. ATA You do not expect us to believe you came to see your mother? ESLEY What? ICARD Esley, every time you come to visit us from the Academy, or we go to see you, something happens. Now, are you going to tell us what you've done or are we going to have to have your mother beat it out of you. ESLEY But sir, I haven't done anything. I'm here to visit my mother. And all of you. You're my family. EVERLY Oh Bullshi* Es. What have you-- Everly is interrupted by the communicator chime and Ensign O's voice. O Captain Icard, there is a ship coming in off our starboard bow. It is not responding to hails. ICARD (to ceiling) On my way. (to everyone else) Well, looks like Es is off the hook. THIS is why he's here. IKER Right sir, let's go. Everyone gets up and starts to head towards the bridge. INT. MAIN BRIDGE Everyone finished heading toward the bridge when they get here and takes their respective places. ICARD On screen Lt. Orf. ORF (Growling) Aye sir. Magnification 20%. The view screen turns on and shows a ship which looks like any other stock footage of a generic TarFleet vessel. ROI It looks like one of ours sir. I sense no hostile intentions. IKER Yea, but there are some species you can't sense now, aren't there little miss "I just want to be friends." Everyone looks away so Roi can shoot Iker the finger. ICARD Orf, keep hailing them. ORF (Snarling) Hailing frequencies open. Everly, who is sitting on the little stool next to Roi's console finally gets a line. EVERLY Orf, you say hailing *frequencies* Exactly how many frequencies are we talking about? ORF (gnashing teeth) Well, I really don't know. ESLEY (trying to get a line in-- he is the guest star you know) I'll find out for you Mom-- I mean Doctor Mom. Esley goes to work busily at Science station I. ATA Just in case no one has noticed, the vessel has not answered our hails. ICARD That's right! Thank you Mr. Ata! IKER Orf, do you get any readings at all from the ship? ORF (foaming) I don't read sir. IKER What do your sensors say, zipperhead? Everyone looks away so Orf can shoot Iker the finger. ORF (growling) With all due respect sir, the sensors report nothing except that the vessel is there. They must have some advanced cloaking shield device. We should kill them. ICARD Try hailing them one more time Mr. Orf. ORF (snarling) They are not going to answer. ICARD Just *try* Orf. Orf tries, but not whole heartedly. ORF (gloating) No response sir. IKER Shields up, rrrrrrrred alert! The red alert honker goes off. FADE OUT. END OF TEASER. PART I FADE IN: EXT. SPACE We see the Nterprise and what appears to be an Xcelsior class cruiser (you know, the one that they use for EVERY SINGLE VESSEL that visits the Nterprise). They hang in space sitting almost nose to nose. INT. MAIN BRIDGE Everyone is exactly where we left them. IKER Shields up. Rrrrrrrred alert! The alert claxons go off. ROI You already said that. IKER What? ROI You said "Shields up. Rrrrrrrred alert!" before we went to commercial. You didn't need to say it again. IKER Maybe someone forgot. ATA Commander, you forget that we are dealing with Trekkers, a very intelligent species who forget nothing and notice everything. Much unlike yourself. Iker waits for everyone to turn away so he can shoot Ata the finger, but no one does do he does it anyway. ICARD Commander, that is extremely inappropriate behavior for the bridge. Please refrain from further incidents. ORF (gnashing teeth) Can we shoot at the other ship now? ICARD That's right! Thank you for the reminder Lt. Orf. Lock phasers on target and hail them one more time. ORF But sir! I must protest! We've called several times. Enough reaching out to touch them-- it's time to reach out and punch someone! IKER When you get your own ship, you can make those decisions Mr. Orf. God protect us when you do. Everyone turns away so Orf can shoot Iker the finger. Iker returns it but not before everyone turns around and catches him. ICARD That's quite enough Commander. If you can't behave I'll have to ask you to leave the bridge. Come back in an hour or so if you think you've grown up enough. Iker, humbled, slowly walks to the turbolift with his head bowed. Once he gets inside he shoots the finger at the whole bridge crew, but the turbolift doors snap closed and smash his finger. ICARD (without looking) Serves him right. Now, Mr. Orf, has the other ship answered our hails? ORF (scratching a flea) No sir. ICARD Fine, then prepare to fire. ESLEY Captain wait! ICARD What is it boy? ESLEY Do you remember when my mother asked Orf how many hailing frequencies there were? Well, I was doing some simple third order hyperstolic algorithms in my head when I ran into a problem computing the fourth derivative of the hypersine of the sixth dimensional equivalent of-- EVERLY (slyly moving to Ikers chair) Get to the point! ESLEY (hurt) They can't answer because our hailing frequencies have been locked. ROI By whom? ESLEY I don't know. I didn't have time to check, but I didn't want you to go blow up that ship. And besides, the computer hasn't gotten to talk yet. Magel's probably falling asleep. ICARD Computer, what it wrong with the hailing frequencies. COMPUTER (sounding like Mrs. Roi) Ean-Uc! Darling I-- whoops!!!! (sounding like the computer) Captain, hailing frequencies one through seventeen hundred forty three have been locked into stealth mode. ICARD Well, who locked them? COMPUTER Lt. Orf ordered them to be locked after we received a message from the Lexington that it was to rendezvous with us at these coordinates. Orf snarls at ceiling. ICARD Well, it seems my bridge officers are having trouble behaving today. Computer, take the hailing frequencies out of stealth mode. Cadet Rusher, please take the tactical position. Mr. Orf, go to your room. Everyone does what they were told. ESLEY Captain, the Lexington is hailing us. ICARD On screen. The screen light up with an image of someone we don't know. We can't even begin to guess who it is because the actor wasn't even important enough to be listed in the opening credits. OTHER CAPTAIN Ean-Uc! Good to see you. Having problems with your hailing frequencies? They were broadcasting in the Klingon version of Yiddish. Our translator was just about ready to handle all of the spiney backed dipthongs when you switched back to English. Anyway, we have some stuff here for you which really isn't important to the plot of this episode. We'll beam it right over. Lexington out. The viewscreen returns to the usual shot of stars and the other ship. ICARD Well, another situation solved without the use of violence. Good. Icard pulls out a lazer scalpel, leans back in his chair so that he can see the under side of the tactical horseshoe, and adds another mark to the growing number scratched there. ICARD (continuing) Ok, I guess someone should go get that stuff, even though it's not important. We can't just have it sitting in the transporter room all day. ESLEY I'll go sir. ICARD Good, pick it up in transporter room one. ESLEY One? I didn't know there was a transporter room one. ATA Esley, if there is a transporter room three, isn't it logical that there is a transporter room one and two also? ESLEY Well, yea, but I thought they just numbered it three to make the ship seem bigger. Does anyone ever use it? INT. TRANSPORTER ROOM ONE It is a typical transporter room, except that it is covered in a layer of dust about three inches deep. Esley brushes off the console, beams out the dust on the transporter pad, then beams in a few cardboard boxes with Icard's name written on them in black magic marker. He looks around an goes to open one of the boxes. INT. MAIN BRIDGE Everyone's right where we left them, except one of those extras that always hang out at Science station I and Science station J is standing at tactical. EVERLY If you don't mind me asking, what was beamed over from the Lexington Captain? Nothing dangerous I hope. ICARD Oh no doctor. Just some antique books. I'm doing some research on twentieth century reading habits, and checked out three hundred old magazines from the TarLeet Library. ROI Really? What magazines? ICARD Information on homes and lifestyles, I believe it's called Penthouse. ESLEY'S VOICE (echoing all the way from the transporter room) YEAH-HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! FADE OUT. END OF PART I PART II FADE IN: INT. 10-FORWARD LOUNGE There are a bunch of extras in ill-fitting uniforms hanging out in the ship's bar. Iker and Orf are seated at the bar itself looking sorry for them selves. IKER Bartender! Bartender! Uinan pops up from behind the bar with this huge hat on. UINAN What can I get for you now? IKER (slurring) Another beer. An one for my bumpy headed friend here. ORF Make mine a double. UINAN A double beer? (to herself) Boy, these lightweights need to drink real alcohol more often, that synthahol really lowers your tolerance. INT. CORRIDOR Eordi is walking down the hall passed sickbay, and Esley exits, with his hand bandaged. EORDI Hey Es! What happened to the hand? ESLEY (nervously) Uhhh... Holodeck accident. Problem with the safety protocol. Yea. EORDI I see. Where you headed? ESLEY I was going to go back to the holodeck, but I really can't go back to what I was doing -- EORDI Unless you switch hands... But anyway, I'm heading to ten forward. Want to come along? ESLEY Sure! There's women there! EORDI Uh-huh. INT. TEN FORWARD Iker and Orf are passed out on the bar. Orf has a half eaten glass hanging out of his mouth. Iker just drools. Eordi and Esley enter and sit at one of the tables. Uinan comes up to see them. UINAN Well Esley Rusher. It's nice to see you again. What did you do this time? ESLEY I didn't do ANYTHING. UINAN Really? Then why are you here? ESLEY I came to visit my mother. UINAN And nothing peculiar has happened yet? ESLEY No really. UINAN (quickly) Uh-oh. Well, I'll be seeing you! Uinan rushes behind the bar and takes off her hat, replacing it with an equally large helmet. She also pulls out the HUGE laser rifle from that other episode and straps it on her shoulder. ESLEY What's with her? EORDI Beats me. She's always been a little strange. Ensign O enters Ten forward and crosses to another table. ESLEY Who's that Eordi? I saw her on the bridge, but didn't have any lines with her. EORDI That's Ensign O. She Joran. Quite a woman. Or so Commander Iker says. ESLEY Is there a woman on this ship that Commander Iker hasn't slept with besides my mother. EORDI No, he even hooked up with her! ESLEY My mother? EORDI Well, it wasn't really Commander Iker, It was an alien parasite using his body. But Iker says he remembers EVERYTHING. ESLEY I think I'm going to be sick. IKER (sitting up) Me too! Iker leaves ten forward in quite a hurry and 'Brian enters. 'BRIAN ESLEY! Long time no see! ESLEY Hi Iles! How are you? 'BRIAN Pretty good. So, what did you do? ESLEY (a little miffed) I didn't do anything, I'm here to see my mother!! 'BRIAN Oh well, something will turn up. ESLEY See you later Iles. 'BRIAN By Es! 'Brian moves to the other side of ten forward where he sits with some of the poorly costumed extras. INT. CAPTAIN'S READY ROOM Icard is alone. ICARD (V.O.) Captain's personal log, Stardate 45678.9. This plot is getting nowhere. Hopefully the writers will think of something before the whole damn hour is wasted. INT. ROI'S OFFICE Roi is alone. ROI (V.O.) Ship's Counselor's personal log Stardate 45678.9. This episode stinks. My lines have been minimal. I haven't really gotten to do anything fun yet. Hopefully the writers will come up with some exciting plot twist soon. INT. ATA'S QUARTERS Ata is alone (Really? who would have guessed?) ATA (V.O.) Second Officer's log Stardate 45678.9123434567654. I really don't know why I keep a log, since I remember everything with perfect clarity anyway. Oh well, maybe I'll send it off to that idiot who wanted to take me apart so that he can cry over not being able to get his grimy little hands on me. INT. EVERLY'S OFFICE Everly is alone. EVERLY (V.O.) CMO's personal log Stardate 45678.9. I'm so happy to see Esley, but I *KNOW* he's done something. Why else would he be here? Well, hopefully the writers will get on with is soon. INT. IKER'S QUARTERS Iker is alone. He is standing over the washbasin throwing up (there aren't any toilets on the Enterprise, remember?). INT. TEN FORWARD Ensign O is alone at a table (there are no quarters for her yet). O (V.O.) Personal log, Stardate 45678.9. I wish the set crew would hurry up and finish my quarters. It's hard being homeless on a starship. The rest of the crew won't even look me in the eye when I ask them to use their food replicators. I don't know anymore. But I do hope the writers will stop using this silly log sequence and get on with the plot. INT. ORF'S QUARTERS Orf is alone, standing in front of a mirror. He is blatantly drunk and humming "I'm too sexy..." INT. WRITERS OFFICE The writer is alone, sitting at his E-mail terminal. CLAY (V.O.) Personal Log, Stardate 45678.9, what- ever that means. I wish I could figure out something else to do with this damn parody. I wonder if everyone realizes V.O. stands for Voice Over? Oh well... FADE OUT. END OF PART II (because there's nothing else to do) PART III FADE IN: INT. WRITERS OFFICE Again, the writer sits alone. CLAY (V.O.) Personal log Stardate several days later. I think I have an idea. The crew is sitting on the bridge, when-- ICARD (interrupting) Excuse me, but would you get the hell out of here?!?! The writer leaves. INT. MAIN BRIDGE The crew sit at their usual stations. Esley is hanging out by Ensign O, hoping she will get up so he can snag her seat. ICARD (V.O.) Captain's log, Stardate several days later. We've been trekkin along, and nothing has happened yet. Esley is still here, so we're waiting. Maybe now that that damn writer is back something will happen. IKER Ata, anything on sensors? ATA Yes Commander, they were one of the more expensive disposable razors in late 20th century. I believe they could shape shift to shave a bowling ball. It seemed-- IKER Never mind Ata. Mr. Orf, do you detect anything on sensors? ORF (growling) No sir, nothing at all. IKER Oh. O (looking over shoulder) Yes sir? IKER What? O You called me sir. IKER No I didn't. O Yes you did. IKER Look, just because I slept with you that time we lost our memories, doesn't obligate me to call you. There is nothing between us, will you please get that through your sorry excuse for a bumpy Klingon forehead!! O jumps up to confront Iker, and Esley jumps in her seat. ESLEY Finally!! O Listen bucko-- IKER Ensign, shut up, that's an order. Everyone looks away so O can shoot IKER the finger. IKER Oh, so that's how it us. O Yes, Iker, that's how it is. O turns to sit back down and sees Esley in her seat. O Out of my chair runt. ESLEY Drop dead. O I'm warning you, out of my seat or I'll-- ESLEY You'll what, shoot me the finger, like this. Everyone turns their head so Esley can shoot Iker the finger. O No, I'll do this. O grabs Esley's shoulders and gives him the 'Joran Head Butt, which knocks him senseless and leave a little bumpy indent in the center of his forehead. She throws him out of the chair. ORF (snarling) Nice job, for a 'Joran. ROI Captain, I'm picking something up on long range sensors. It's coming out of the Neutral Zone. ICARD YOU'RE picking something up. ROI Yes, no one else was watching, and and besides, I needed a line. ICARD Oh. O (looking over shoulder) Yes sir? ICARD What? O You called me sir. ICARD No I didn't. O Yes you did. ICARD Well I didn't mean to! Forget it!! O (to herself) Yea, sure. ATA The object on sensors is apparently an uncloaked Omulan vessel. ORF (grimacing) They have crossed the neutral zone. IKER Rrrrrrrrrrrred alert. Shields up. ICARD On screen. The screen light up with a Omulan vessel. ROI I can sense that they're angry. IKER That's because your computer display shows them arming their disrupters. Even I can sense anger with those kind of clues. Everyone looks away so Roi can shoot Iker the finger. ICARD Hailing frequencies. ORF (snarling) Open. ICARD Omulan vessel! You have committed an act of war, retreat now or we will open fire. ORF (hacking up a hairball) No response sir. IKER Hail them again-- ICARD To hell with the hailing frequencies. Orf, blow them out of the sky. EXT. USS NTERPRISE and OMULAN VESSEL The Nterprise fires all its phaser banks and all of its torpedo's at the Omulan vessel. It fires again, and again. Finally the ship blows up. INT. MAIN BRIDGE Everyone is where we left them. Orf is smiling. ORF (smiling) We got 'em sir. O Turned them into an Omulet!! Everyone but Data laughs. ATA Captain, phaser banks are fully depleted, and we only have one functional photon torpedo left. ICARD Who cares! We won! Break out the Miller Genuine Draft!! Uinan enters from the turbolift carrying a case of MGDs. O Oh shit. UINAN What? Don't like MGD? O No, Omulan warbird decloaking to starboard. UINAN Oh shit. Uinan takes MGD'S and leaves. ORF (not smiling) *We* are being hailed. ICARD Ummmmm. On screen. The screen lights up with the blond Omulan Ela. ELA Well Icard, it seems I have the Nterprise at a little bit of a disadvantage doesn't it. IKER You saw what we did to the other ship! We'll do the same to you!! ICARD (under his breath) Shut up you jerk! ELA Yes Icard, please keep your pet monkey quiet. And what's this? You let your crew nap on the bridge? Everyone looks at Esley. He is groaning and tossing and turning on the floor. ICARD I killed him. He made me mad. Don't make the same mistake Asha, I mean Ela. ELA He's not dead! ICARD Not yet, it's a long drawn out death. He'll be there for three weeks before we can shoot his lifeless corpse into space. ELA Nice try Icard. I don't buy it. ICARD Pardon me Commander Ela, but are those Bugle Boy jeans you're wearing?? ELA What? Ela looks back at the tag on her jeans. ICARD Reverse course, as fast as we can go! Engage! EXT. SPACE Then Nterprise is seen warping away from the Omulan vessel. Ela's laughter is heard echoing through space as the Omulans turn and go home. FADE OUT END OF PART III PART IV FADE IN: INT. MAIN BRIDGE Esley sits in the captain's chair. He wears only a skimpy pair of shorts. On one side of him sits Roi, and on the other, Asha. Both women wear bikinis and are caressing Esley. His head is thrown back in passion, and his shorts are "tented" again. ESLEY Oh, Asha, Eanna. He moans. ASHA Yes my little space stud? ROI What do you want us to do? Esley moans again, and smiles. ESLEY You know, the "Space Nymphet" thing. Roi moves down and begins to nibble on Esley's knee and slowly makes her way up his thigh. Asha speaks but in Iker's voice. ASHA (IKERS VOICE) Esley, are you okay? INT. MAIN BRIDGE The bridge crew are at their normal stations. Esley is lying on the floor near CONN. His uniform pants are extremely "tented". Iker is bent over him speaking. IKER Esley! Esley wake up! Esley moans. ESLEY That's it Eanna. A little higher. ROI I sense he is very horny. IKER (indicating tent) I think we can all sense that!! Everyone turns so Roi can shoot Iker the finger. IKER (continuing) Esley! Get up! Esley suddenly opens his eyes and looks around. He looks down at his tent and blushes furiously. ESLEY Commander, may I be excused? IKER Yes, go to the observation lounge. (whispers) There are some pictures of Eanna I think you'll enjoy. They're behind the model of the Nterprise-B on the wall. Esley quickly gets up and scurries to the observation lounge. ORF (snarling) Now what? IKER Beats me. ATA Commander, a Tar Leet Academy shuttle is approaching from starboard. ORF (smiling) They say they're here to pick up Cadet Rusher. IKER (to ceiling) Cadet Rusher to the bridge, your Academy transport is here. ESLEY (comm voice) (panting) Just a minute!! IKER (smiling) At your convenience. ROI (to ceiling) Doctor Rusher to the bridge, Esley's Academy transport is here. EVERLY (comm voice) (panting) Just a minute!! ROI (smiling bigger than Iker) At your convenience. The bridge crew sits around for a few minutes. Simultaneously, Esley enters from the Observation Lounge, while Everly and Icard enter from the Ready Room. All three look exhausted. ICARD Well, boy, it was good to see you again, come back soon. Icard returns to his ready room. IKER By Es, have a safe trip, and watch out for those female Cadets!! ESLEY Thanks Commander. I'm borrowing some of those photographs of yours. Ok?? IKER No problem, enjoy!! ROI By Es. She hugs him. ROI (to Iker) What photographs? ESLEY Bye mom! It was great seeing you even though nothing exciting happened. EVERLY Yea, bye kid. Everly races back to the captains ready room. ORF (growling) Transport ship, you may engage transporter. ESLEY But I wasn't do-- The transporter beam engulfs Esley and yanks him off the bridge. ORF (sneering) Good riddance. ATA I didn't get to say good bye. IKER Good bye Data. ATA Are you leaving? IKER No. ATA Oh. O (looking over shoulder) Yes sir? ATA What? O You called me sir. ATA No I didn't. O Yes you-- FADE OUT TO CLOSING CREDITS. THE END
I'm such a dork.