The Velawesomeraptor Himself (clayrobeson) wrote,
The Velawesomeraptor Himself
clayrobeson

I'm such a huge dork...

So I did a Google search for my name, and ran across a web archive of a parody I'd written over ten years ago while interning with Penn State at one of the satellite campuses. Yeah, I really had VERY little to do.


Date: Wed, 17 Jun 1992 13:54 EDT

DISCLAIMER:  The following events are real.  The names have been changed to
protect the innocent (namely me) from being sued by Paramount or any
subsidiarythereof.  The following material is not copyrighted, and my be
distributed at your desecration as long as no profit is made.  NO ONE (my self
included) can or will make money off this parody (what a shame).
 
 
And so begins...
 
                TAR REK:  He Ext Eneration
               "Esley Comes Home"
        (subtitled "Why we don't know...")
 
CAST
 
Captain Ean-Uc Icard
Commander Illiam Iker
Lt. Commander Ata
Lt. Orf
Counselor Eanna Roi
Lt. Commander Eordi aForge
Chief Iles 'Brian
Ensign O Aran
Doctor Everly Rusher
Cadet Esley Rusher
Uinan
Ela
Asha Ar
 
 
 
                            TEASER
 
FADE IN:
 
EXT.  USS NTERPRISE NCC 701-D
 
The Nterprise is warping through space as it has in so many other episodes.
 
INT.  CADET ESLEY'S QUARTERS
 
Esley and Counselor Roi are locked in a passionate embrace.  She runs her
fingers through his hair as he kisses her firmly on the lips.  She moans.  He
moans.
 
                        ESLEY
                Oh, Eanna, I've waited so long
                for this.
 
                        ROI
                As have I Es.  I've wanted you
                since the first day you walked
                on the ship.  Take me!
 
Esley begins to remove Roi's uniform when the communications chime is heard.
 
                        ICKERS VOICE
                Cadet Rusher to the observation
                lounge.
 
Esley looks up at the ceiling and blatantly ignores the command.  He continues
to remove Roi's clothes.
 
                        ICKERS VOICE
                Cadet Rusher!  Are you sleeping?
                Please report to the
 
INT.  ESLEY'S BEDROOM
 
Esley sits bolt upright in bed.  He is obviously alone.
 
                        ICKERS VOICE (continued)
                ...observation lounge.
 
                        ESLEY
                     (to himself)
                Damn!
                     (to ceiling)
                On my way Commander Iker.
 
Esley gets out of bed wearing only a pair of boxer shorts with "StarFleet
Academy" printed all over them (yes, they still do college marketing in the
future).  The front of the boxers are strangely "tented".  Esley adjusts the
"tent" and moves into another room (Obviously a closet since we know there are
no bathrooms on the Nterprise).  He emerges a few seconds later in full cadet
uniform.  The "tent" is gone, and he is wiping his hands with an old sock.  He
discards the sock and exits the room.
 
INT.  OBSERVATION LOUNGE
 
Typical staff meeting.  Icard is at the head of the table, Iker, Orf, Ata,
Eordi, Roi (fully clothed), and Doctor Rusher are seated in their usual places
(who ever has the most lines sits closest to the captain).  They just hang out
for a while until Esley enters and stands at attention.
 
                        ESLEY
                Cadet Rusher reporting sir.
 
                        ICARD
                At ease Cadet.  Have a seat.
 
Esley sits and waits for someone to speak.  Eventually someone does.
 
                        IKER
                I assume you know why we called
                you here.
 
                        ESLEY
                     (worried)
                No sir, I don't.
 
                        ICARD
                Don't lie to us boy!  Just tell
                us what you've done.
 
Esley, remembering taking down the "tent" in his quarters, gets that "My God,
do they know I do *that*." look on his face.
 
                        IKER
                No, Es, not that- we all do that.
                     (looking at Eordi)
                Some of us more than others.
 
Eordi inconspicuously shoots Iker the finger when no one else is looking.
 
                        ICARD
                Just tell us what you did.
 
                        ESLEY
                     (even more confused
                      and a little embarrassed)
                I'm sorry, but I didn't do anything.
 
                        ORF
                     (sneering)
                Then why are you here.
 
                        ATA
                You do not expect us to believe
                you came to see your mother?
 
                        ESLEY
                What?
 
                        ICARD
                Esley, every time you come to
                visit us from the Academy, or
                we go to see you, something
                happens.  Now, are you going to
                tell us what you've done or are
                we going to have to have your
                mother beat it out of you.
 
                        ESLEY
                But sir, I haven't done anything.
                I'm here to visit my mother. And
                all of you.  You're my family.
 
                        EVERLY
                Oh Bullshi* Es.  What have you--
 
Everly is interrupted by the communicator chime and Ensign O's voice.
 
                        O
                Captain Icard, there is a ship
                coming in off our starboard bow.
                It is not responding to hails.
 
                        ICARD
                     (to ceiling)
                On my way.
                     (to everyone else)
                Well, looks like Es is off the
                hook.  THIS is why he's here.
 
                        IKER
                Right sir, let's go.
 
Everyone gets up and starts to head towards the bridge.
 
INT.  MAIN BRIDGE
 
Everyone finished heading toward the bridge when they get here and takes their
respective places.
 
                        ICARD
                On screen Lt. Orf.
 
                        ORF
                     (Growling)
                Aye sir.  Magnification 20%.
 
The view screen turns on and shows a ship which looks like any other stock
footage of a generic TarFleet vessel.
 
                        ROI
                It looks like one of ours sir.
                I sense no hostile intentions.
 
                        IKER
                Yea, but there are some species
                you can't sense now, aren't there
                little miss "I just want to be
                friends."
 
Everyone looks away so Roi can shoot Iker the finger.
 
                        ICARD
                Orf, keep hailing them.
 
                        ORF
                     (Snarling)
                Hailing frequencies open.
 
Everly, who is sitting on the little stool next to Roi's console finally gets
a line.
 
                        EVERLY
                Orf, you say hailing *frequencies*
                Exactly how many frequencies are
                we talking about?
 
                        ORF
                     (gnashing teeth)
                Well, I really don't know.
 
                        ESLEY
    (trying to get a line in-- he is the guest star you know)
                I'll find out for you Mom-- I mean
                Doctor Mom.
 
Esley goes to work busily at Science station I.
 
                        ATA
                Just in case no one has noticed,
                the vessel has not answered our
                hails.
 
                        ICARD
                That's right!  Thank you Mr. Ata!
 
                        IKER
                Orf, do you get any readings at
                all from the ship?
 
                        ORF
                     (foaming)
                I don't read sir.
 
                        IKER
                What do your sensors say, zipperhead?
 
Everyone looks away so Orf can shoot Iker the finger.
 
                        ORF
                     (growling)
                With all due respect sir, the sensors
                report nothing except that the vessel
                is there.  They must have some advanced
                cloaking shield device.  We should kill
                them.
 
                        ICARD
                Try hailing them one more time Mr.
                Orf.
 
                        ORF
                     (snarling)
                They are not going to answer.
 
                        ICARD
                Just *try* Orf.
 
Orf tries, but not whole heartedly.
 
                        ORF
                     (gloating)
                No response sir.
 
                        IKER
                Shields up, rrrrrrrred alert!
 
The red alert honker goes off.
 
FADE OUT.
 
END OF TEASER.
 
 
 
 
                         PART I
 
FADE IN:
 
EXT.  SPACE
 
We see the Nterprise and what appears to be an Xcelsior class cruiser
(you know, the one that they use for EVERY SINGLE VESSEL that visits
the Nterprise).  They hang in space sitting almost nose to nose.
 
INT.  MAIN BRIDGE
 
Everyone is exactly where we left them.
 
                        IKER
                Shields up.  Rrrrrrrred alert!
 
The alert claxons go off.
 
                        ROI
                You already said that.
 
                        IKER
                What?
 
                        ROI
                You said "Shields up.  Rrrrrrrred
                alert!" before we went to commercial.
                You didn't need to say it again.
 
                        IKER
                Maybe someone forgot.
 
                        ATA
                Commander, you forget that we are
                dealing with Trekkers, a very
                intelligent species who forget nothing
                and notice everything.  Much unlike
                yourself.
 
Iker waits for everyone to turn away so he can shoot Ata the finger,
but no one does do he does it anyway.
 
                        ICARD
                Commander, that is extremely inappropriate
                behavior for the bridge.  Please refrain
                from further incidents.
 
                        ORF
                     (gnashing teeth)
                Can we shoot at the other ship now?
 
                        ICARD
                That's right!  Thank you for the reminder
                Lt. Orf.  Lock phasers on target and hail
                them one more time.
 
                        ORF
                But sir!  I must protest!  We've called
                several times.  Enough reaching out to
                touch them-- it's time to reach out and
                punch someone!
 
                        IKER
                When you get your own ship, you can make
                those decisions Mr. Orf.  God protect us
                when you do.
 
Everyone turns away so Orf can shoot Iker the finger.  Iker returns it
but not before everyone turns around and catches him.
 
                        ICARD
                That's quite enough Commander.  If you
                can't behave I'll have to ask you to leave
                the bridge.  Come back in an hour or so
                if you think you've grown up enough.
 
Iker, humbled, slowly walks to the turbolift with his head bowed.  Once
he gets inside he shoots the finger at the whole bridge crew, but the
turbolift doors snap closed and smash his finger.
 
                        ICARD
                     (without looking)
                Serves him right.  Now, Mr. Orf, has
                the other ship answered our hails?
 
                        ORF
                     (scratching a flea)
                No sir.
 
                        ICARD
                Fine, then prepare to fire.
 
                        ESLEY
                Captain wait!
 
                        ICARD
                What is it boy?
 
                        ESLEY
                Do you remember when my mother asked
                Orf how many hailing frequencies there were?
                Well, I was doing some simple third order
                hyperstolic algorithms in my head when I ran
                into a problem computing the fourth derivative
                of the hypersine of the sixth dimensional
                equivalent of--
 
                        EVERLY
                   (slyly moving to Ikers chair)
                Get to the point!
 
                        ESLEY
                     (hurt)
                They can't answer because our hailing
                frequencies have been locked.
 
                        ROI
                By whom?
 
                        ESLEY
                I don't know.  I didn't have time to check,
                but I didn't want you to go blow up that
                ship.  And besides, the computer hasn't
                gotten to talk yet.  Magel's probably
                falling asleep.
 
                        ICARD
                Computer, what it wrong with the hailing
                frequencies.
 
                        COMPUTER
                     (sounding like Mrs. Roi)
                Ean-Uc!  Darling I-- whoops!!!!
                     (sounding like the computer)
                Captain, hailing frequencies one through
                seventeen hundred forty three have been
                locked into stealth mode.
 
                        ICARD
                Well, who locked them?
 
                        COMPUTER
                Lt. Orf ordered them to be locked after
                we received a message from the Lexington
                that it was to rendezvous with us at these
                coordinates.
 
Orf snarls at ceiling.
 
                        ICARD
                Well, it seems my bridge officers are
                having trouble behaving today.  Computer,
                take the hailing frequencies out of stealth
                mode.  Cadet Rusher, please take the tactical
                position.  Mr. Orf, go to your room.
 
Everyone does what they were told.
 
                        ESLEY
                Captain, the Lexington is hailing us.
 
                        ICARD
                On screen.
 
The screen light up with an image of someone we don't know.  We can't
even begin to guess who it is because the actor wasn't even important
enough to be listed in the opening credits.
 
                        OTHER CAPTAIN
                Ean-Uc!  Good to see you.  Having
                problems with your hailing frequencies?
                They were broadcasting in the Klingon
                version of Yiddish.  Our translator was
                just about ready to handle all of the
                spiney backed dipthongs when you switched
                back to English.  Anyway, we have some
                stuff here for you which really isn't
                important to the plot of this episode.
                We'll beam it right over.  Lexington out.
 
The viewscreen returns to the usual shot of stars and the other ship.
 
                        ICARD
                Well, another situation solved without the
                use of violence.  Good.
 
Icard pulls out a lazer scalpel, leans back in his chair so that he
can see the under side of the tactical horseshoe, and adds another
mark to the growing number scratched there.
 
                        ICARD
                     (continuing)
                Ok, I guess someone should go get that
                stuff, even though it's not important.
                We can't just have it sitting in the
                transporter room all day.
 
                        ESLEY
                I'll go sir.
 
                        ICARD
                Good, pick it up in transporter room
                one.
 
                        ESLEY
                One?  I didn't know there was a transporter
                room one.
 
                        ATA
                Esley, if there is a transporter room
                three, isn't it logical that there is
                a transporter room one and two also?
 
                        ESLEY
                Well, yea, but I thought they just numbered
                it three to make the ship seem bigger.
                Does anyone ever use it?
 
INT.  TRANSPORTER ROOM ONE
 
It is a typical transporter room, except that it is covered in a
layer of dust about three inches deep.  Esley brushes off the console,
beams out the dust on the transporter pad, then beams in a few
cardboard boxes with Icard's name written on them in black magic
marker.  He looks around an goes to open one of the boxes.
 
INT.  MAIN BRIDGE
 
Everyone's right where we left them, except one of those extras that
always hang out at Science station I and Science station J is standing
at tactical.
 
                        EVERLY
                If you don't mind me asking,
                what was beamed over from the
                Lexington Captain?  Nothing dangerous
                I hope.
 
                        ICARD
                Oh no doctor.  Just some antique
                books.  I'm doing some research
                on twentieth century reading habits,
                and checked out three hundred old
                magazines from the TarLeet Library.
 
                        ROI
                Really?  What magazines?
 
                        ICARD
                Information on homes and lifestyles,
                I believe it's called Penthouse.
 
                        ESLEY'S VOICE
                     (echoing all the way from
                      the transporter room)
                YEAH-HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!
 
FADE OUT.
                        END OF PART I
 
 
 
                        PART II
 
FADE IN:
 
INT.  10-FORWARD LOUNGE
 
There are a bunch of extras in ill-fitting uniforms hanging out in
the ship's bar.  Iker and Orf are seated at the bar itself looking
sorry for them selves.
 
                        IKER
                Bartender!  Bartender!
 
Uinan pops up from behind the bar with this huge hat on.
 
                        UINAN
                What can I get for you now?
 
                        IKER
                     (slurring)
                Another beer.  An one for my
                bumpy headed friend here.
 
                        ORF
                Make mine a double.
 
                        UINAN
                A double beer?
                     (to herself)
                Boy, these lightweights need to
                drink real alcohol more often, that
                synthahol really lowers your tolerance.
 
INT.  CORRIDOR
 
Eordi is walking down the hall passed sickbay, and Esley exits, with his hand
bandaged.
 
                        EORDI
                Hey Es!  What happened to the hand?
 
                        ESLEY
                     (nervously)
                Uhhh... Holodeck accident.  Problem
                with the safety protocol. Yea.
 
                        EORDI
                I see.  Where you headed?
 
                        ESLEY
                I was going to go back to the
                holodeck, but I really can't go
                back to what I was doing --
 
                        EORDI
                Unless you switch hands...
                But anyway, I'm heading to ten
                forward.  Want to come along?
 
                        ESLEY
                Sure!  There's women there!
 
                        EORDI
                Uh-huh.
 
INT.  TEN FORWARD
 
Iker and Orf are passed out on the bar.  Orf has a half eaten glass
hanging out of his mouth.  Iker just drools.  Eordi and Esley enter
and sit at one of the tables.  Uinan comes up to see them.
 
                        UINAN
                Well Esley Rusher.  It's nice to
                see you again.  What did you do this
                time?
 
                        ESLEY
                I didn't do ANYTHING.
 
                        UINAN
                Really?  Then why are you here?
 
                        ESLEY
                I came to visit my mother.
 
                        UINAN
                And nothing peculiar has happened
                yet?
 
                        ESLEY
                No really.
 
                        UINAN
                     (quickly)
                Uh-oh.  Well, I'll be seeing you!
 
Uinan rushes behind the bar and takes off her hat, replacing it with
an equally large helmet.  She also pulls out the HUGE laser rifle from
that other episode and straps it on her shoulder.
 
                        ESLEY
                What's with her?
 
                        EORDI
                Beats me.  She's always been a
                little strange.
 
Ensign O enters Ten forward and crosses to another table.
 
                        ESLEY
                Who's that Eordi?  I saw her on
                the bridge, but didn't have any lines
                with her.
 
                        EORDI
                That's Ensign O.  She Joran.  Quite
                a woman.  Or so Commander Iker says.
 
                        ESLEY
                Is there a woman on this ship that
                Commander Iker hasn't slept with besides
                my mother.
 
                        EORDI
                No, he even hooked up with her!
 
                        ESLEY
                My mother?
 
                        EORDI
                Well, it wasn't really Commander Iker,
                It was an alien parasite using his
                body.  But Iker says he remembers
                EVERYTHING.
 
                        ESLEY
                I think I'm going to be sick.
 
                        IKER
                     (sitting up)
                Me too!
 
Iker leaves ten forward in quite a hurry and 'Brian enters.
 
                        'BRIAN
                ESLEY! Long time no see!
 
                        ESLEY
                Hi Iles! How are you?
 
                        'BRIAN
                Pretty good.  So, what did you
                do?
 
                        ESLEY
                     (a little miffed)
                I didn't do anything, I'm here
                to see my mother!!
 
                        'BRIAN
                Oh well, something will turn up.
 
                        ESLEY
                See you later Iles.
 
                        'BRIAN
                By Es!
 
'Brian moves to the other side of ten forward where he sits with
some of the poorly costumed extras.
 
INT.  CAPTAIN'S READY ROOM
 
Icard is alone.
 
                        ICARD (V.O.)
                Captain's personal log, Stardate
                45678.9.  This plot is getting nowhere.
                Hopefully the writers will think of
                something before the whole damn hour is
                wasted.
 
INT.  ROI'S OFFICE
 
Roi is alone.
 
                        ROI (V.O.)
                Ship's Counselor's personal log
                Stardate 45678.9.  This episode stinks.
                My lines have been minimal.  I haven't
                really gotten to do anything fun yet.
                Hopefully the writers will come up with
                some exciting plot twist soon.
 
INT.  ATA'S QUARTERS
 
Ata is alone (Really? who would have guessed?)
 
                        ATA (V.O.)
                Second Officer's log Stardate 45678.9123434567654.
                I really don't know why I keep a log,
                since I remember everything with perfect
                clarity anyway.  Oh well, maybe I'll send
                it off to that idiot who wanted to take me
                apart so that he can cry over not being able
                to get his grimy little hands on me.
 
INT.  EVERLY'S OFFICE
 
Everly is alone.
 
                        EVERLY (V.O.)
                CMO's personal log Stardate 45678.9.
                I'm so happy to see Esley, but I *KNOW*
                he's done something.  Why else would he
                be here?  Well, hopefully the writers will
                get on with is soon.
 
INT.  IKER'S QUARTERS
 
Iker is alone.  He is standing over the washbasin throwing up (there aren't
any toilets on the Enterprise, remember?).
 
INT.  TEN FORWARD
 
Ensign O is alone at a table (there are no quarters for her yet).
 
                        O (V.O.)
                Personal log, Stardate 45678.9.  I
                wish the set crew would hurry up and
                finish my quarters.  It's hard being
                homeless on a starship.  The rest of the
                crew won't even look me in the eye when
                I ask them to use their food replicators.
                I don't know anymore.  But I do hope the
                writers will stop using this silly log
                sequence and get on with the plot.
 
INT.  ORF'S QUARTERS
 
Orf is alone, standing in front of a mirror.  He is blatantly drunk
and humming "I'm too sexy..."
 
INT.  WRITERS OFFICE
 
The writer is alone, sitting at his E-mail terminal.
 
                        CLAY (V.O.)
                Personal Log, Stardate 45678.9, what-
                ever that means.  I wish I could figure
                out something else to do with this
                damn parody.  I wonder if everyone
                realizes V.O. stands for Voice Over?
                Oh well...
 
FADE OUT.
 
                        END OF PART II
                (because there's nothing else to do)
 
 
 
 
 
                        PART III
 
FADE IN:
 
INT. WRITERS OFFICE
 
Again, the writer sits alone.
 
                        CLAY (V.O.)
                Personal log Stardate several days
                later.  I think I have an idea.  The
                crew is sitting on the bridge, when--
 
                        ICARD
                     (interrupting)
                Excuse me, but would you get the hell
                out of here?!?!
 
The writer leaves.
 
INT. MAIN BRIDGE
 
The crew sit at their usual stations.  Esley is hanging out by Ensign O,
hoping she will get up so he can snag her seat.
 
                        ICARD (V.O.)
                Captain's log, Stardate several days
                later.  We've been trekkin along, and
                nothing has happened yet.  Esley is
                still here, so we're waiting.  Maybe now
                that that damn writer is back something
                will happen.
 
                        IKER
                Ata, anything on sensors?
 
                        ATA
                Yes Commander, they were one of the
                more expensive disposable razors in
                late 20th century.  I believe they
                could shape shift to shave a bowling
                ball.  It seemed--
 
                        IKER
                Never mind Ata.  Mr. Orf, do you detect
                anything on sensors?
 
                        ORF
                     (growling)
                No sir, nothing at all.
 
                        IKER
                Oh.
 
                        O
                    (looking over shoulder)
                Yes sir?
 
                        IKER
                What?
 
                        O
                You called me sir.
 
                        IKER
                No I didn't.
 
                        O
                Yes you did.
 
                        IKER
                Look, just because I slept with you
                that time we lost our memories, doesn't
                obligate me to call you.  There is
                nothing between us, will you please
                get that through your sorry excuse
                for a bumpy Klingon forehead!!
 
O jumps up to confront Iker, and Esley jumps in her seat.
 
 
                        ESLEY
                Finally!!
 
                        O
                Listen bucko--
 
                        IKER
                Ensign, shut up, that's an order.
 
Everyone looks away so O can shoot IKER the finger.
 
                        IKER
                Oh, so that's how it us.
 
                        O
                Yes, Iker, that's how it is.
 
O turns to sit back down and sees Esley in her seat.
 
                        O
                Out of my chair runt.
 
                        ESLEY
                Drop dead.
 
                        O
                I'm warning you, out of my seat
                or I'll--
 
                        ESLEY
                You'll what, shoot me the finger, like
                this.
 
Everyone turns their head so Esley can shoot Iker the finger.
 
                        O
                No, I'll do this.
 
O grabs Esley's shoulders and gives him the 'Joran Head Butt, which
knocks him senseless and leave a little bumpy indent in the center of
his forehead.  She throws him out of the chair.
 
                        ORF
                     (snarling)
                Nice job, for a 'Joran.
 
                        ROI
                Captain, I'm picking something up
                on long range sensors.  It's coming
                out of the Neutral Zone.
 
                        ICARD
                YOU'RE picking something up.
 
                        ROI
                Yes, no one else was watching, and
                and besides, I needed a line.
 
                        ICARD
                Oh.
 
                        O
                    (looking over shoulder)
                Yes sir?
 
                        ICARD
                What?
 
                        O
                You called me sir.
 
                        ICARD
                No I didn't.
 
                        O
                Yes you did.
 
                        ICARD
                Well I didn't mean to!  Forget it!!
 
                        O
                     (to herself)
                Yea, sure.
 
                        ATA
                The object on sensors is apparently an
                uncloaked Omulan vessel.
 
                        ORF
                     (grimacing)
                They have crossed the neutral zone.
 
                        IKER
                Rrrrrrrrrrrred alert.  Shields up.
 
                        ICARD
                On screen.
 
The screen light up with a Omulan vessel.
 
                        ROI
                I can sense that they're angry.
 
                        IKER
                That's because your computer display shows
                them arming their disrupters.  Even I can
                sense anger with those kind of clues.
 
Everyone looks away so Roi can shoot Iker the finger.
 
                        ICARD
                Hailing frequencies.
 
                        ORF
                   (snarling)
                Open.
 
                        ICARD
                Omulan vessel!  You have committed an
                act of war, retreat now or we will
                open fire.
 
                        ORF
                     (hacking up a hairball)
                No response sir.
 
                        IKER
                Hail them again--
 
                        ICARD
                To hell with the hailing frequencies.
                Orf, blow them out of the sky.
 
EXT.  USS NTERPRISE and OMULAN VESSEL
 
The Nterprise fires all its phaser banks and all of its torpedo's
at the Omulan vessel.  It fires again, and again.  Finally the ship
blows up.
 
INT.  MAIN BRIDGE
 
Everyone is where we left them.  Orf is smiling.
 
                        ORF
                     (smiling)
                We got 'em sir.
 
                        O
                Turned them into an Omulet!!
 
Everyone but Data laughs.
 
                        ATA
                Captain, phaser banks are fully
                depleted, and we only have one
                functional photon torpedo left.
 
                        ICARD
                Who cares!  We won!  Break out the
                Miller Genuine Draft!!
 
Uinan enters from the turbolift carrying a case of MGDs.
 
                        O
                Oh shit.
 
                        UINAN
                What?  Don't like MGD?
 
                        O
                No, Omulan warbird decloaking to
                starboard.
 
                        UINAN
                Oh shit.
 
Uinan takes MGD'S and leaves.
 
                        ORF
                     (not smiling)
                *We* are being hailed.
 
                        ICARD
                Ummmmm.  On screen.
 
The screen lights up with the blond Omulan Ela.
 
                        ELA
                Well Icard, it seems I have the
                Nterprise at a little bit of a disadvantage
                doesn't it.
 
                        IKER
                You saw what we did to the other ship!
                We'll do the same to you!!
 
                        ICARD
                     (under his breath)
                Shut up you jerk!
 
                        ELA
                Yes Icard, please keep your pet monkey
                quiet.  And what's this?  You let your
                crew nap on the bridge?
 
Everyone looks at Esley.  He is groaning and tossing and turning on the
floor.
 
                        ICARD
                I killed him.  He made me mad.  Don't
                make the same mistake Asha, I mean Ela.
 
                        ELA
                He's not dead!
 
                        ICARD
                Not yet, it's a long drawn out death.  He'll
                be there for three weeks before we can shoot
                his lifeless corpse into space.
 
                        ELA
                Nice try Icard.  I don't buy it.
 
                        ICARD
                Pardon me Commander Ela, but are those Bugle
                Boy jeans you're wearing??
 
                        ELA
                What?
 
Ela looks back at the tag on her jeans.
 
                        ICARD
                Reverse course, as fast as we can go!
                Engage!
 
EXT.  SPACE
 
Then Nterprise is seen warping away from the Omulan vessel.  Ela's
laughter is heard echoing through space as the Omulans turn and go
home.
 
FADE OUT
 
                        END OF PART III
 
 
                        PART IV
 
FADE IN:
 
INT.  MAIN BRIDGE
 
Esley sits in the captain's chair.  He wears only a skimpy pair
of shorts.  On one side of him sits Roi, and on the other, Asha.
Both women wear bikinis and are caressing Esley.  His head is thrown
back in passion, and his shorts are "tented" again.
 
                        ESLEY
                Oh, Asha, Eanna.
 
He moans.
 
                        ASHA
                Yes my little space stud?
 
                        ROI
                What do you want us to do?
 
Esley moans again, and smiles.
 
                        ESLEY
                You know, the "Space Nymphet" thing.
 
Roi moves down and begins to nibble on Esley's knee and slowly makes her
way up his thigh.  Asha speaks but in Iker's voice.
 
                        ASHA (IKERS VOICE)
                Esley, are you okay?
 
INT.  MAIN BRIDGE
 
The bridge crew are at their normal stations.  Esley is lying on the floor
near CONN.  His uniform pants are extremely "tented".  Iker is bent over
him speaking.
 
                        IKER
                Esley!  Esley wake up!
 
Esley moans.
                        ESLEY
                That's it Eanna.  A little higher.
 
                        ROI
                I sense he is very horny.
 
                        IKER
                     (indicating tent)
                I think we can all sense that!!
 
Everyone turns so Roi can shoot Iker the finger.
 
                        IKER
                     (continuing)
                Esley!  Get up!
 
Esley suddenly opens his eyes and looks around.  He looks down at his tent
and blushes furiously.
 
                        ESLEY
                Commander, may I be excused?
 
                        IKER
                Yes, go to the observation lounge.
                     (whispers)
                There are some pictures of Eanna I think
                you'll enjoy.  They're behind the model of
                the Nterprise-B on the wall.
 
Esley quickly gets up and scurries to the observation lounge.
 
                        ORF
                     (snarling)
                Now what?
 
                        IKER
                Beats me.
 
                        ATA
                Commander, a Tar Leet Academy shuttle
                is approaching from starboard.
 
                        ORF
                     (smiling)
                They say they're here to pick up
                Cadet Rusher.
 
                        IKER
                     (to ceiling)
                Cadet Rusher to the bridge, your
                Academy transport is here.
 
                        ESLEY (comm voice)
                     (panting)
                Just a minute!!
 
                        IKER
                     (smiling)
                At your convenience.
 
                        ROI
                     (to ceiling)
                Doctor Rusher to the bridge, Esley's
                Academy transport is here.
 
                        EVERLY (comm voice)
                     (panting)
                Just a minute!!
 
                        ROI
                     (smiling bigger than Iker)
                At your convenience.
 
The bridge crew sits around for a few minutes.  Simultaneously,
Esley enters from the Observation Lounge, while Everly and Icard
enter from the Ready Room.  All three look exhausted.
 
                        ICARD
                Well, boy, it was good to see you
                again, come back soon.
 
Icard returns to his ready room.
 
                        IKER
                By Es, have a safe trip, and
                watch out for those female Cadets!!
 
                        ESLEY
                Thanks Commander.  I'm borrowing some
                of those photographs of yours. Ok??
 
                        IKER
                No problem, enjoy!!
 
                        ROI
                By Es.
 
She hugs him.
 
                        ROI
                     (to Iker)
                What photographs?
 
                        ESLEY
                Bye mom!  It was great seeing you
                even though nothing exciting happened.
 
                        EVERLY
                Yea, bye kid.
 
Everly races back to the captains ready room.
 
                        ORF
                    (growling)
                Transport ship, you may engage
                transporter.
 
                        ESLEY
                But I wasn't do--
 
The transporter beam engulfs Esley and yanks him off the bridge.
 
                        ORF
                     (sneering)
                Good riddance.
 
                        ATA
                I didn't get to say good bye.
 
                        IKER
                Good bye Data.
 
                        ATA
                Are you leaving?
 
                        IKER
                No.
 
                        ATA
                Oh.
 
                        O
                    (looking over shoulder)
                Yes sir?
 
                        ATA
                What?
 
                        O
                You called me sir.
 
                        ATA
                No I didn't.
 
                        O
                Yes you--
 
FADE OUT TO CLOSING CREDITS.
 
                        THE END
 


I'm such a dork.
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