The Velawesomeraptor Himself (clayrobeson) wrote,
The Velawesomeraptor Himself

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The long, dark teatime of the soul...

So this November will mark 9 years since I ended what was my first (and only) long term relationship. Okay, saying that *I* ended it is a bit misleading. I was forced to end it when slapped in the face with the fact that I was being cheated on and really had no other option. I'd been deluding myself for far too long, and ignoring all the signs and facts presented to me.

To make a long story short, a 2 year relationship ended after nearly six months of infidelity. Unfortunately we were living together and were both too young and stupid to end THAT arrangement. We thought we could still get along. WRONG!! I went pretty crazy. I have people who will vouch for that. For a good year I literally "Eminated hate" afterwards. Then I was just whacked out for another year or so.

But this is 9 years later. 11 years after we started, 7 years after I supposedly got my head back on straight. So why bring this up now? Cause I got this in an email the other day:

You know, this is a really long email, but I just felt something on my heart that I think I need to get out. I need to ask your forgiveness. I hurt you long ago and I am not sure if I ever asked for your forgiveness. I have from time to time, spoken badly of you to others. I am deeply sorry about the things I have said and done. I was wrong to say and do things that hurt you. Please forgive me.

And I realized that afterwards that I still had sore spots, and it worries me that I could still be hung up on this. Could be... heh... AM. This is far too long to let this go on. But it explains why I take so long to get to know people before trusting myself to ask them out... of course by the time I'm ready they're usually at the 'but we're such good friends, let's not screw that up' phase.

But what do I do to be more daring? How do I shake the fear of falling into the pit again, even though Mr. Brezney says I'll come out of it fine? The pit is still scary to me.


Someone take me by the hand and teach me to dance over those scary wooden bridges.
Tags: dating, life

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