The Velawesomeraptor Himself (clayrobeson) wrote,
The Velawesomeraptor Himself

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Anniversaries better left unremembered?

Believe it or not, except for about two weeks where I almost dated a school teacher named RaeAnne, as of Thanksgiving, I've been single for ten years.

Kinda sad, huh?

I think about being alone for that long, but realize that except for the first year out, I never was really alone. I've always had friends to be there for me. Some of them more than friends, but never a 'relationship' per se.

Last night I opened up 'the grey book'. It's a hand written journal I started keeping almost 10 years ago, when things in my world were crashing down. I wasn't as strong then as I am now. I wasn't larger than life then. I was a shadow of the Klae I would become.

I read nearly 2 years worth of entries last night (not as much as it might seem). It surprises me that I actually made it through that intact. It was tough. I was literally crazy for part of it. But I did it. And here I am. What does not kill us only makes us stronger.

I'm not really sure WHY I'm writing about this. I'm not really sure why I chose to read the grey book last night. I don't regret being single. Actually, now, it makes it easier to do the move that I have to do.

Maybe that's it. Maybe my time on the East Cost... all 15 years (when it's done) was a journey I had to make to find myself. I'm certainly not the person I was when I left. I'm SO much more.

I actually smile when I think of the 17 year old me, lying in the back of my dad's Blazer as we pulled out of my driveway for the cross country trip to Penn State. I remember the feelings of loneliness welling up inside me as we started down the street towards the highway. I cried for about half an hour as we headed into the mountains towards Nevada.

At the time, I didn't know why I was crying. Now? I think I sensed what was ahead somehow. I knew there was a long journey to take in order to find myself. In order to become the me I was supposed to be. Not the me who wanted to be an Aerospace Engineer. Not the me who works in Real Estate. The me with the courage and self confidence to drop himself into a city and say "Look out, bitches, I'm here to shake things up a bit."

And here I am.

It's time to go home.

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