The Velawesomeraptor Himself (clayrobeson) wrote,
The Velawesomeraptor Himself

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Once again, feelings that I cannot express...

I need something, but I don't know what it is exactly.

I got one of those billion question all about you quizzes today from my friend Chris (not roomie). Chris was probably my first REAL friend ever. We met in 7th grade, but didn't become close until 9th, when we were both scared freshmen in a really big school. We were pretty much inseparable through High School. Chris was everything I wanted to be. I really looked up to him, and a lot of my attitudes and likes and dislikes even today can be traced back to him.

When we both went away to college we started to grow apart. Not for lack of trying, but we were nearly 3000 miles apart. And when I was home those first two summers I had to work. Then he up and moved to Spain for a few years... I didn't even find out till well after he got back...

Needless to say, we lost each other for a while.

We got together while we were both home for Christmas. It was good, but a little bittersweet. I know we'll never recapture the closeness that we had as 17 year olds, driving to San Francisco to go see a concert, listening to George Michael's Faith over and over again, singing till our throats were raw. Him trying to teach me to drive stick shift on the highway, and ending up having to do all the shifting while I worked the clutch. Soaking the labels off his parent's unopened booze bottles and making margaritas, but trying to stir them in the blender with a wooden spoon and ending up with wood chunks in them. Bar-be-cueing with a gas grill for the first time and nearly blowing our faces off.

God it hurts. How could I let that go?

There's no one in my life right now that I can lay on the floor with in the dark and just tell all my deepest secrets to, knowing that they'll understand and cry with me if necessary. There's no one I can just flop on when I'm in dire need of human contact who won't get all wigged out.

Looking back, I realize that Chris was probably my first crush, even though I didn't know it. I'm not sure I would have been able to deal with it even if I *HAD* known. Come on, I was fifteen and stupid.

But seeing him again has reminded me that there's a hole in my life.

Wow, and I thought I couldn't get this from the inside to the outside.

Will someone out there volunteer to be the object of my next crush?

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