You'll need to play along with the unbearable tension for a little while longer. What good would a game be if you knew the outcome in advance? Then, your life is not actually a game, and you're more than a spectator in its process. My sense is that you're coming to terms with your own value on a very deep level. Value is more than about money; it relates to one's most vital place in the community. While you've usually let others dictate your worth and size up your quality, the shift now occurring is allowing you to take this privilege for yourself.