WHAT AND WHO I DID ON MY SUMMER VACATION
By JFK, Editorials Editor
First of all, I went to the Cape with the family where I met this betty who I nailed twice on the yacht. That was amazing, but I’m not going to write about her because I never caught her name. You might be asking yourself, how, then, did you brag to your pals later about nailing her? To that, I reply, I simply referred to her as Yacht Betty Who I Nailed Twice.
After the Cape, I went to the Hamptons where I played a lovely round of croquet with two hussies. By “played a lovely round of croquet” I mean “had sex,” and by “two hussies” I mean “the Hilton sisters.” And let me, uh, tell you: I don’t care what Eddie Furlong says: that Paris chick is a lump of rocks in the sack.
But I digress. For part of my summer vacation, my gay dads went on a Disney Cruise so I had the house to myself, where I was able to have sex with regular clones from school. Here is a partial list of that weekend’s exploits:
• Catherine the Great. Once in the bedroom, and once in my van.
• Helen Keller. Just once, blindfolded. Man, that was a kinky broad.
• The Brontë Sisters. For my tally, I’m not sure whether to count them as one lay or three, so let’s compromise and call it two.
• Mona Lisa. Only once, because she wouldn’t stop looking at me while I porked her. It weirded me out. But I got her to “Mona” -- moan-a-lot! Due to intercourse.
• Helen of Troy. Twice I hid my wooden horse in side of her, if you know what I mean. I’m talking about my penis.
• And, of course, my true love, Cleopatra. You’re the best, baby. I love you so much. You know all of this stuff about schtooping other ladies isn’t true. I would never cheat on you. Now, Cleo, please stop reading this article because it is over.
Okay, now that Cleo isn’t reading, I can tell you guys: I really did bang all of these broads mentioned above. And it was wicked awesome.