"Sir, would you like me to pass out Desert menus?"
"Screw them. No desert."
His wife turns to me and whispers "Screw him, get the menus."
So I did. He asks, "I thought I said no desert menus."
"You did sir."
"Then why do you have them here. Did she say something?"
And this was the moment of truth. I could make or break an awesome tip here...
"She said Screw You sir."
The whole table about shit themselves laughing. He smiled at me among the shouts of "You've got BALLS!" and nodded at the Desert menus.
In the end, their check came to $1800 even. I got $100 over the 17% mandatory tip for a large table of $228. I was able to tip my bussers out $70 (20%) and I bought tequila shots for the cooks on the food line.
It was a good night. And now I have the cash to get new glasses!
Best. Waiter. Ever.