I love improv more than anything else I've ever done. But it's so exposing. I'm so worried about getting crushed. If I fail, it's ME that fails.
They said tonight that the Touring Company would never get larger than 15, which is good. Knowing there's a cap helps make things a little more solid than before. But then they went on to say that the group would be fluid. So there MAY come a point where I'm shown the door. May never happen, either, but of course the insecure child in the fetal position deep down inside me is screaming "It's now! It's going to happen now!"
They also said that while they will come to the Touring Company first when they're looking for new Main Stage folks, they reserve the right not to. What the fuck does that mean? I interpret it to mean that we're just a safety net, in case they need people quick. But if they see someone they like that isn't us. Fuck us. We'll come to you first cause we need someone.... but we don't like any you, so we'll take an outsider.
And I KNOW this is all my insecurity talking. And it fucking sucks that it can reduce me to this quivering mass. But this is the one thing I'm proud of, and this whole situation just chips away at the foundation of the self confidence that I've built around that pride.
Of course I'm being as stupid as when I let my whole life revolve around one woman, then got royally screwed. I so want this to be my life, but so can't let it be for fear of getting crushed when someone better comes along. Or do I just give in and let what happens happen? I've lost trust in Chet and Norm because of this. Or at least, I feel that they're not as committed to me as I am to them. I'm dumping everything I am into this, but it can all disappear in the snap of a finger cause someone better comes along.
Can I just die now?
And to top it all off, I have nothing to do this weekend except a show on Sunday night. So I get to sit around worrying how much I'll suck on Sunday, then how quickly the boom will come crashing down on my head obliterating my ego and my improv career.
God, you'd think I was manic depressive or something.
It's okay to be scared, right?